How Did I Get Here?
How do you make decisions? With your head, with your gut, or some combination of both? I for one have really struggled to listen to my intuitive, gut knowing. And it’s really cost me.
In 2018, I took a good, hard look at my life. And honestly, I wasn’t too happy with what I saw. Doing work I didn’t love, dating men who I knew weren’t “the one,” living in an apartment that didn’t feel like home, and feeling overall disconnected and uninspired by my community.
How did I get here? I wanted so much more. Something had to change.
“You Can Never Connect The Dots Looking Forward”
In 2005, at Stanford University’s graduation ceremony, during Steve Jobs’ commencement address, he famously said:
“you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking back. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something -- your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
I began looking retrospectively at the dots that got me to where I am today: the jobs I should not have taken; the men I should not have dated; the apartments I should not have rented. What did these scenarios have in common? The connecting feature here is that before I ultimately said ‘yes’ to those choices, I felt intuitive “red flag,” or clear sign, that I wanted to say “no.”
Why would I do that?
Well, for me, like many others, I rejected and disconnected from my intuitive knowing long ago. And as a psychotherapist, I can’t help but get all Abraham Maslow-y and say that this all goes back to my childhood, and a deep need to belong. Evolutionarily, feeling a sense of belonging and acceptedness by a group are highly intrinsic motivational behaviors. We do all we can to decrease our odds for rejection. And while conforming to some societal norms to gain acceptance is normal, I see that I have personally taken this too far, and for too long. And now, it’s not working for me. Arguably, it never really did...
How Do I Change?
Assuming the hypothesis that it is in fact the negating of my intuition that’s gotten me to this point in my life (read: unhappy), I am deciding to embark on a personal psychology experiment: operation intuition re-integration.
I will be writing about the different ways I am actively seeking to connect with my own intuition. This will be a live, ongoing experiment, with the hypothesis for me being: once I figure out a formula to best connect with, and take action on my intuitive knowings, when I live with my conscious intuition as my compass, I will feel happier, more alive, and more authentically me.